Off4Ever

Skinny Bitch

2010-10-21T10:51:00.000-07:00

I just started reading a new book. Actually, I'm listening to the audiobook on my way to and from work. The title is “Skinny Bitch” (Rory Freedman & Kim Barnouin, Running Press, Philadelphia, 2005). No kidding, that's the title. This isn't a 'diet book' in the conventional sense. These authors are sassy, smart-ass, well, bitchy. They don't sugar-coat anything. They start out by saying that in order to get skinny, you have got to stop shoveling that crap in your mouth. In a nutshell, that's the strategy. Later on, they remind you at regular intervals to get your head out of your ass, and sprinkle the f-bomb liberally. If you are offended by vulgar language, this is not a book for you.

Basically, they're all about health. Early in they book, they tell you to quit smoking. Not exactly diet related, but definitely a healthy step. They don't give you much help about how you're going to accomplish that; they just say you gotta do it. They don't care that the biggest concern many smokers have is that they'll gain weight when they quit smoking. They just say get over it and do it. Next they tell you to quit drinking. The only alcohol they recommend is organic, sulfite-free red wine. At least this time they give you some help – they recommend Alcoholic's Anonymous if you're having trouble with this one, and give you an alternative if you like wine. From there they tell you to give up caffeine. That means all coffee, tea, soda or other caffeinated beverges. Instead you're supposed to drink herbal tea, or decaffeinated green tea. OK, now I'm starting to balk. I can see their argument with soda, I know that's full of unhealthy stuff, even though I thoroughly enjoy drinking it. But coffee and tea? Both of those are naturally caffeinated, and fine in moderation. Besides, the process used to decaffeinate coffee and tea is at least as bad for you as the caffeine. The author's argument is that they are highly acidic, and therefore rough on your digestive system. Besides, once you are eating all of the good stuff they tell you about, you'll be so full of energy that you won't need the java jolt in the morning.

They spend a lot of time talking about sugar and sugar substitutes. Regular, white sugar is highly processed (mainly by rinsing, but they call that processing). They recommend Turbinado sugar instead. It comes from the same plant as white sugar, but hasn't gone through the processing. They also like beet sugar (which also must be processed to extract the sugar), and agave nectar. They also talk about the evils of high fructose corn syrup, another source of many calories with no nutritional value that seems to appear in more foods than you can imagine. Then they go on a full-blown rant about aspertame (aka Nutrasweet or Equal), how dangerous it is and how it should not have received FDA approval in the first place. According to them, aspertame is a highly processed chemical that is linked to all sorts of maladies. I'm not sure how closely they've checked their facts. I recall a lot of internet buzz about the dangers of aspertame a few years ago – about the time this book was written. However, there was no hard science to back it up. The scientific journals reported a slim-to-none link between aspertame and the rather vague, general maladies reported. They don't have any health claims against sucralose, but don't like it because it is chemically altered sugar. For artificial sweeteners, they recommend Steevia, a plant grown in South America.

They spend some time bashing some of the recent fad diets, particularly the low-carb ones. Even though they contain carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables are so good for you, that it's crazy to avoid eating them. I'm good with that. Eating fruits and vegetables is a terrific way to get healthy, and the natural sugars found in fruit are far better than the artificial ones in processed foods.

So far, they are advocating making a total change to the way you eat. They recommend dumping all of the unnatural, artificial substances you've been consuming, and finding natural alternatives that are much better for you. I've heard this before, but never before in such a straight, in-your-face sort of way. I'm not sure I like it, but these authors certainly have attitude – lots of attitude.

Don't P!$$ Me Off

2010-10-11T16:50:00.001-07:00

Toward the end of last week I was reminded of exactly what it is that puts me in the category of 'emotional eater.' I don't eat when I'm happy, or sad, or depressed. OK, maybe a little. But if you want to see a full-blown binge, just get me mad. I'm not talking the garden variety cut-me-off-in-traffic annoyed here, either. I'm talking mad, furious – f-ing p!$$ed off.

It happens every time. This time it was work related, but it isn't always. I get PO'd, and the next thing I know, I've eaten half a cake, or a full pound of M&Ms. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's handy. And today, four days later, I'm still feeling full and bloated, and we won't even talk about the scale.

So, clearly I still need to work on this issue. Last year when something like this came up, a wise person said “Don't let it piss you off.” Good advice, but how do you do it, really? Looking back, there have been times when I've been able to stop the binge. The times I've been most successful have been when the person who irritated me has known me for a long time. That is, knew me back when I was fat. Those times I can say to myself “I'm not giving you the satisfaction of seeing me get fat again,” then I go for a walk, or find another way to deal with the fury. That approach doesn't work as well with newer acquaintances and business associates. Many of them never knew me heavy. As far as they know, I've always been this size. Would it work to have the same attitude, though? In a way, allowing someone to irritate me to the point I go on a food binge is giving that person a lot of power over me. Even those this person never knew me fat, I'm on track to show them all what fat Vicky looks like. Does this irritant really deserve that much control over my life?

I think not.

My Round Life

2010-10-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading 'Born Round: The Secret History of a Full-time Eater,' by Frank Bruni (Penguin Press, New York, 2009). Frank Bruni was the Chief Restaurant Critic for the New York Times. He also spent a lifetime fighting compulsive eating, compulsive dieting, and all of the turmoil and trauma that goes with it. Funny that someone with that kind of history could eat for a living and still maintain a healthy weight, but Frank managed to do just that.

In many ways, his life and eating habits are pretty typical of those of us with 'food issues.' He was a chubby child, and started his first diet before he was a teenager. He alternated compulsive eating with compulsive dieting, which included experimenting with purging, laxatives and speed. He would go on a multi-day binge, with the promise that he would 'diet' the next day, meaning eating only fruit, soup, or whatever the diet du jour required. He also wasted far too much of his life waiting until he was 'thin enough.' For example, he would postpone dates for weeks at a time until he fellt 'thin enough' to be seen naked. He would cancel out on friends he hadn't seen in a long time if he had gained weight. Not everyone has been that neurotic. All of us binge, but many never purged or took laxatives or speed. But I'm sure we can all agree the we're all a bit neurotic about our weight.

Frank ultimately found his own way out of the fat trap. For him, it occurred while he was living in Europe. While there, he observed what has been called the 'French Paradox,' that odd combination of people eating incredibly rich food, not exercising compulsively, but not struggling with the obesity that plagues this nation. (Unfortunately, Europeans who have started adopting our eating style are starting to gain weight, but that's a topic for another day.) What Frank learned was by focusing on eating high quality food, he didn't have the urge to eat the quantity. He found that when he had a truly good meal, which frequently consists of several courses, and didn't beat himself up about all of the calories he was consuming, he didn't have the urge to stuff his face with anything that wasn't nailed down, resulting in many more calories. He carried that philosophy into his restaurant critic career. Frank ate dinner at a restaurant every night of the week – sometimes more than once a night. But he discovered that knowing that another awesome meal was coming the next day kept him from overindulging. He said that he frequently ate just a few bites of each dish, and then he was done. Imagine that. Having a fabulous meal,then eating less than half of it.

The other thing he did was exercise, and he is very dedicated to that. He changes up his routine, at times doing pilates, other times working with weights, and he's an avid runner. Frank feels that exercise is one of the most important things he can do for himself.

But Frank still has his moments. He recounts a time when he binged, then didn't feel like working out, then within a few days his clothes were feeling snug. It really happens that fast. But he recognized what was going on, and forced himself to the gym, and started his healthy lifestyle over again.

I found his story inspiring. It amazes me that someone who is every bit as much of a compulsive eater as I am could live and work surrounded by food – really good food – and manage to maintain a healthy weight. For me the message was to eat well. If you are eating well – meaning good quality food, and you know that your next meal will be equally good, it helps to turn off your inner voice that says “Eat it all now, because who knows what the next meal will contain.” Congrats, Frank, and keep up the good work.

PS Frank Bruni is no longer a restaurant critic. He now does general interest and food-related for the New York Times. Check him out at http://dinersjournal.blogs.nytimes.com/author/frank-bruni/ .

Sans Sugar, Part 2

2010-09-12T15:24:00.001-07:00

Going sugar-free has had some good consequences also. As I've stated in earlier posts, I have this M&M monkey on my back. When I hear the little candies hitting the bowl, like Pavlov's dogs, my mouth starts to water. In addition, I walk past the bowl at least 50 times a day as I make my rounds through the office. There's only one aisle in this part of the office, so if I want to see what my staff is up to, I have to walk past the M&Ms. And yes, those evil little buggers still know my name.

One thing I've discovered since I decided to give up processed sugar, is that it is now much easier to walk past the M&M dish. When I approach it, I tell myself “I don't eat processed sugar.” and what do you know? It's working. Being the one who doesn't eat sugar makes it much easier to pass on candy or any other treats that magically appear in the office each week. There's no longer any decision to make, no agonizing over good choices or bad choices, or wondering how many points are in a handful, or trying to tell that candy demon to shut up.

I don't eat processed sugar. Therefore, I don't eat M&Ms. Case closed.

Then, I learned that the converse of this is also true. After several days, during a particularly stressful moment, I decided I deserved a little treat. A treat of just one M&M is a treat, right? Well I learned that one is all it takes. One. Just one little M&M morsel, and something snapped. I spent the rest of the day craving sweets. I almost bought a candy bar at the grocery store. I haven’t done that in years. And fruit didn’t cut it. I wanted sugar. Processed sugar. I don’t know if that’s a normal reaction to having sugar after being clean, or if it’s because, as I’ve said earlier, I’m not like normal eaters. Processed sugar triggers something in me that craves more. And more. And more.

One more time: I don't eat processed sugar. Therefore, I don't eat M&Ms. Repeat as necessary.

Sans Sugar

2010-09-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

I just finished Michael Pollan's 'In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto' (2008, New York: Penguin Group). What an eye-opener. His main premise is that most of what you find in the grocery store isn'tbreally food. Rather, it's 'processed food products' or 'edible food-like substgances' that are not all that nutritious. He feels that the obesity epidemic this country is facing has more to do with people consuming these products rather than real food. His solution? It's quite simple. Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants. By food, he means real food – the kind your grandmother (or great-grandmother) would recognize.

So I decided to give it a try. I've been stuggling a bit lately. A pound up, a pound down. If I were 'right' on my goal weight, I wouldn't complain, but I'm not. I'm still trying to get rid of the 15 pounds or so I put on during a particularly stressful time at work. That project was finished a long time ago, but the weight hasn't fallen off. At this point, I have nothing to lose but a few pounds. Then, as luck would have it, at the next Weight Watcher's meeting I attended, guess what the topic was? The meeting was devoted to the 'Simply Filling Technique,' where you focus on eating wwhat they call 'filling foods' – which by the way, are very similar to the 'real food' that Pollan suggests – that is – non-processed, whole grains, lots of fruit and vegetables.

But let's face it, this is not an easy task. Get rid of all processed foods? No more non-dairy creamer, pizza, spaghetti sauce? I decided to start small. I decided to eliminate processed sugar. This seems to be the number 1 ingredient in most processed foods, and the one causing the most controversy. Maybe this was a bit too large of a step, because I have since discovered that sugar is even where you least expect it.

Day 1. I'm a coffee wimp. I like it with cream and sugar. Especially flavored creamer. One friend said it turned coffee into candy. Yup, she was right. But I bought the sugar-free variety, so I'm good, right? Not so fast. One look at the ingredient label and I almost lost my sugar-free teeth. The first ingredient was water. No surprise there, but if this product is mostly water, what am I paying for? The second ingredient? Corn Syrup! Huh? How can there be corn syrup in a sugar-free product? I've used corn syrup in baking, and I know what it is. It is thick, liquid sugar. Of course, there is a little asterisk next to it. If you follow down to the fine print, it says 'not a significant source of sugar.' I'm no nutritionist, but I do know that nutritional labels list ingredients in order of quantity – by weight to be exact. So would someone please explain to me how in blazes can sugar not be 'significant,' when it is the SECOND ingredient listed? Combined with the teaspoon of sugar I also dump in the coffee, I'm getting quite the sugar jolt along with my caffeine in the morning. This fancy candy-like creamer is no longer looking like a very good choice in my quest for 'clean' eating.

So...lifestyle change #1. Skim milk and honey in my coffee. Yes, I should grow up and drink my coffee black. Baby steps. Baby steps.

What's the Connection?

2010-07-25T17:47:00.000-07:00

Last week I was on a radio show (listen to the podcase on http://940wfaw.com/pages/6577831.php Monday, July 19) promoting an upcoming book signing. My book is a poetry chapbook called Angel's Land. On August 31 I'll be participating in the Velveteen Rabbit bookshop's(http://www.velveteenrabbitbookshop.com/) 'Author Extravaganza' from 9:00 am until 11:00.

The poems in this book all relate to life on Lake Koshkonong, where I lived in the shadow of Chief Blackhawk, flooding, and an alcoholic husband. I loved the history of Chief Blackhawk, learned to cope with the flooding, but the alcoholic husband was a bit too much.

As I was preparing for the radio show, I expected the announcer to ask about what I'm writing today. These days most of my writing takes the form of this blog. It's important to me, because maintaining my weight loss is important to me.

So, what's the connection between this blog and Angel's Land? I had to think about that for a little while. But it finally occurred to me that during my relationship, marriage and ultimate divorce from Rick I gained sixty pounds. Yes...that's sixty. And when I left, the weight didn't magically disappear. It stuck around. I went up some, and down some, but I was still obese. As I've mentioned before, I have always struggled with my weight, but I was winning the struggle when I met him. It was afterwards that things went downhill.

During that marriage, I was living a dual life. On the one hand, I was living on an invisible powder keg and rubbing sticks together. I always knew something was going to blow, but I didn't know what or when. Would I come home to find my husband passed out on the kitchen floor? Would he start throwing up in bed? Would he wake me up in the middle of the night and scream at me for something, real or imagined? So on the one hand I spent every waking hour waiting for something bad to happen, but on the other I was pretending that everthing was fine. I went to work every day (usually two jobs), was a Sunday School teacher, took classes and played piccolo in the City Band. I was just like any other young, newly married woman, right?

What I've learned since then is that the human body cannot maintain that level of stress indefinitely. Sooner or later, things start to break down.

For me, the breakdown was that my out-of-control life resulted in out-of-control eating. The 'dirty little secret' of my home life showed itself on my body, and I was too stressed out to notice. And it took me ten years to figure out the connection.

Wrong Way

2010-06-23T06:41:00.000-07:00

This past week my son and I travelled to Missouri to visit my parents. I had been to their new home a few times, but the last trip was over a year ago, so I handed my son the map and directions and asked him to let me know where to turn. He did his best, but at one point his 10-year-old map-reading skills had me turn left when I should have turned right. Within a few miles, I realized we were going the wrong way. I pulled off the highway, reviewed the map and instructions, deteremined the correct course, turned around, and continued. He was very upset that he made a mistake, but I told him that it was a good thing he made it, so I could show him what to do when he discovers he's made a wrong turn: stop, evaluate, correct, continue. It's really not a big deal. We were side-tracked for a little while, but we still got to my parent's in time for dinner.

It occurred to me that this is a good procedure to follow even when my weight is going the 'wrong way.' How often have I made a not-so-good choice, then said “what the hell, I've already blown it,” and continued to eat until my stomach hurt? If I was travelling and discovered I was going the wrong way, would I continue going that way just because I'd gone this far already? It makes logical sense, in a weird, warped sort of way, but I would never get where I was going. The same thing goes for my eating choices. If I'm going the wrong way, it's time to stop, evaluate, correct, continue. If I decide to continue, continue, continue, I'm guaranteed to get hopelesslly lost.

What's in a word?

2010-05-30T08:45:00.001-07:00

Last weekend I lost my Weight Watcher's key chain. I keep it on a clip attached to my purse. That way it's always close, and I can look at it often, especially when I need a reminder about how far I've come. I keep my car keys on the same clip. That was the problem last weekend. It was my typical over-booked weekend day, where I had about 20 minutes to get home, change clothes, and meet my family at the go-cart track where my husband and son were racing (the go-cart track is another topic). When I got home and clipped my keys, I notice that my Weight Watcher's key chain was gone. I dug through my purse, to see if they had fallen in. I dug around the passenger seat to see if they had fallen out. Nothing. As I was changing clothes, I started to mentally backtrack my day. I did remember seeing the key chain, and saying to myself “I should keep an eye on my Weight Watchers chain. It could fall off of this clip anytime I grab my car keys.” Now that was a premonition. To bad I didn't listen. At least I know the last time I saw it. So, even though I was going to be late for the races, I went back to the last place I saw the key chain to look for it. Fortunately, I found the chain in the parking lot, about half-way between the door and where I had originally parked. I then raced off to the race track, where I found they were running late. So I didn't miss anything, except about 15 more minutes of sunburn (yes, sunscreen is your friend, even on cloudy days).

So, in summary:

• I lost my key chain, and went to great lengths to find it.

• I lost weight , and go to great lengths to NOT find it.

What's wrong with this picture? When I lose something, I want it back, and will move heaven and earth until I find it. If I can't find it, I mourn the loss, and try to replace it. But when it comes to those 50 pounds I lost, I want them to stay lost. It sounds like a small thing, but the words we use to describe our lives have a big impact on us. Could describing weight loss as a 'loss' be part of the problem with maintaining my lower weight? By thinking of my pounds as 'lost,' am I subconsconsciously setting myself up to go find them? It's an interesting thought. Could part of my mind be thinking that I should find what is lost – and I'm pretty good at finding the things I've lost. On the other hand, if I don't want something, I get rid of it – I either give it away, throw it away, or put it on e-bay.

Maybe I should think about those excess pounds not as 'lost' but as 'discarded'. I got rid of them because I no longer need or want them, just like the punch bowl that has been sitting in my basement for over 12 years in the original box, never opened. When they're gone, they're gone. I'm not going to try to find them or replace them, because I chose to remove them from my life.

So rather than saying “I've lost 50 pounds,” I'm going to practice saying “I've discarded 50 pounds.” How does that sound?

Out of Control

2010-05-30T08:43:00.001-07:00

I got a curve ball last weekend. I had my Saturday very well scheduled. I had appointments and errands in the morning, and planned on spending the afternoon and evening in the garden. I had lots of annuals sitting in flats on my picnic table just waiting for me. I had several pots and planters waiting to be filled, and I planned on using the rest to fill out a new perennial garden I started. Then, just as I was getting lunch ready, I got the phone call. It was my friend reminding me about her granddaughter's birthday party that afternoon. She first told me about it around two weeks ago, and I completely forgot. So I hurriedly planted some of the flowers, then ran to the store for a gift and more potting soil. That gave me enough time to change, gather up my son and head for the party.

As always, the party was wonderful. My friend and her husband are great hosts, and there is always plenty of food and laughter. Did I mention the food? Then another friend brought a few bottles of wine, and you know the rest of the story. Normally, I recover from these events by drinking a lot of water the next day, and being particularly moderate. Within a day or so things are back to normal. But this week has been different. I've have been having the hardest time. All week long, I've felt out of control in every area of my life. Work has been crazy, and I've wanted to snack all day long. I haven't been able to stay away from the M&M jar. At night I'm starving. And even after dinner, I still want to eat. What is going on? I've gone to parties before and was able to recover quickly. Why am I having so much trouble this time?

Part of it is that my plans for Saturday were dismantled. There is not a lot of time to get the garden in when you live in Wisconsin, and now is the time, and I'm behind. I think another part is I'm mad at myself. It's not like my friend decided at the last minute to invite me to this party. I knew about it for two weeks. I didn't write it down and completely forgot about it. If I remembered, I could have easily worked around it. But instead, since then I've felt that I'm just riding the current, and have no control over where I go and what I do. I don't like this feeling. How can I stop?

It's amazing how one thing can set me on such a self-destructive path. I've gone to parties before and had no trouble afterwards. But I've also had times, like this week, when I felt completely out of control. I wonder if something happened to trigger those 'bad' weeks. Most likely there was, but I can't recall what. The difference with this bad week is that I'm aware that it is bad, and I'm very clear on what started the spiral. That's progress.

So, I think I need to get over myself. Let's look at this calmly. So what if my flowers didn't get planted at the precise moment I wanted to plant them? As long as they're in by the first week of June, the garden will fill out and be beautiful before long. And the planters? They look fine the moment they're planted. By the way, what is going on at work has nothing to do with with my weekend plans getting messed up. In fact, work has not been all that bad lately. I'm busy, but not overwhelmed. So, like I said, I need to get over myself. When life throws me those curve balls, I need to recognize what is happening, and put it into perspective. That will help me prevent an unexpected party, or other event, from derailing my efforts.

How about you? Do you ever get derailed? What do you do to get back in control?

Conversion Experience

2010-04-24T17:47:00.001-07:00

I have a confession to make. I have always hated dark chocolate. Give me milk chocolate, with its sweet taste and creamy texture. Give me white chocolate, with its mellow, milky flavor. But that nasty, chalky, bitter dark stuff? Forget it!

Oh, sure. I've heard all about the health benefits of dark chocolate. It has those antioxidants in it – the same kind you find in red wine. And we all know how good red wine is for you. Blah, blah, blah. I'll take the wine, thank you.

But you can't drink wine during the work day. And, it makes me sleepy. Also, it makes me retain water, so the next morning my rings don't fit. Such a dilemma! What can I do?

OK, fine. I decided to be a big girl and try it one more time. But I didn't want to buy any. I don't want to waste the money if it still tastes as bad as I remember.

As luck would have it, I attended a meeting one afternoon, and one of my co-workers passed around a bag of chocolate mini-bars. The bag was almost empty by the time it came to me, and the only bars remaining were – what else? Dark chocolate. It was my moment of truth. I selected a piece. Slowly I unwrapped it. It lay on the table, its darkness stark against the foil wrapper. Finally I broke off the smallest piece possible. I let it sit on the table while I listened to the meeting. I picked it up and placed it on my tongue. I looked for someplace to spit it out.

The chocolate melted, and began to slowly caress my taste buds. It was velvety smooth. I didn't notice much sweetness, but to my surprise, it wasn't bitter either. And it was rich. Lush. Opulent. Outrageously rich.

My eyes widened. My hand flew to my mouth. “Wow, this is good!” I exclaimed to the woman sitting next to me, as people looked up and stared.

“It's as good as red wine, but won't get you fired,” she said, with a knowing smile.

Wake Me Up Before I Yo-Yo

2010-04-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

OK, so I'm having an 80's moment. “Wake me up before you go-go' has a fun beat and you can dance to it. So what if it's campy?

Anyway, I'm not talking about dancing, and my apologies to George Michael. I'm talking about stopping the yo-yo. You've all heard the term, “yo-yo” dieting. You start a diet, do very well and lose some weight – or even a lot of weight. Then, before you know it, the weight starts creeping back up. You reach the point where you've gained enough that you're fed up, then start dieting again. That's the yo-yo. It goes down. It goes up.

I never figured out how to work a yo-yo when I was a kid. But I'm really good at yo-yo dieting. Part of that comes with the dieting mindset. I think of a 'diet' as a temporary situation; afterwards I can return to eating 'normally'. Silly me. It was that 'normal' eating that got me to obesity. The way I eat NOW is 'normal' eating – moderate portions, lots of fruits and vegetables, sauteed, not fried, you know the drill. But I still get into that thinking that my 'diet' is too restrictive. Too restrictive for what? Like I really enjoyed buying clothes in the 'Plus Size' department.

Complacency is another enemy. I've read that if you gain five pounds, you should focus on losing it and returning to your goal weight. I've talked to many people who have had significant regains after reaching their goal weight. The one thing they had in common is that they all said gaining five pounds didn't bother them. Ten pounds didn't bother them. Twenty pounds didn't bother them. One woman who had lost over one-hundred pounds said that even gaining fifty pounds didn't bother her. But by the time the weight gain bothers you, you have a problem. A big problem. Not only is there the excess weight, but also those nasty habits you've acquired, or reacquired along the way.
I learned this the hard way. While working on a stressful project at work, I found the office M&M jar. I gained five pounds. I heard the alarm, and it was easy to take it off again. Next, I was up five pounds again, so I hit the 'snooze button.' Soon afterwards, I found that I was up ten pounds. “That will be easy to take off,” I told myself, and hit the snooze again. But this time, it didn't come off. Before I knew it, I was up twenty pounds. This time, I finally woke up. I saw that I was close to the half-way mark of regaining all fifty pounds. So I started to get serious again. This time it was much harder, and I'm still working at it. Lesson learned.

So this is one time when I'd say the experts are right. Gaining five pounds HAS to bother me. No matter what is happening in my personal or professional life, that small gain needs to be the alarm where I wake up and pay attention. Otherwise, I am starting down a treacherous road. Five pounds is hard enough to lose. Ten is even harder. Why would I even want to get to the place where I have fifty pounds or more to lose again?

How about you? What's your wake-up call?

What’s in your checkbook?

2010-03-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

I was at church recently, and the pastor made the comment that he could tell a lot about a person’s priorities by looking at their checkbook. Of course, the pastor was talking about giving to the church rather than the local tavern or mall. I don’t hang out in taverns (at least, I don’t anymore), and rarely shop at malls. Rather than being smug and thinking that Pastor Steve wasn't talking to me at the moment, I decided to take a look at my checkbook. It might be interesting to see where my priorities really are. I rarely carry cash. I think that goes back to the days when I didn't have any. So a look at my checkbook will be an accurate picture of where I spend my resources. Here’s a summary of a ‘Week in the life of Vicky’s checkbook.’

Sunday: church, groceries, gas

Monday: loan payment, cable bill, cell phone bill.

Tuesday: medicine

Thursday: groceries

Friday: groceries

Saturday: Weight Watchers, groceries, gas, cash

See a pattern here? I have a long commute, so I burn up at least a thankful of gas each week. Other than that, I obviously spend a lot of time in the grocery store. Actually I split my time between the two grocery stores in town. On some weeks, I'll even visit both of them on the same day. Other times I'll see one or the other several times in one day. What's going on?

Part of it is having a growing boy at home. There are days when the food just disappears, and I’m not sure where he has put it.

Another part is poor planning. I do plan, really I do. But I always seem to miss something. I make a shopping list, look through the ads, and stock up on sale items. But what I don’t always do is inventory those items we use regularly, so by Wednesday, we're out of something important, like milk or bread. Also, I don’t always plan menus very far in advance, so I frequently find myself running to the store for one or two items that I need for some recipe.

I used to live out in the country, and did my grocery shopping once a week. Yet somehow, I managed to get what I needed back then. If I forgot something, I figured out something else. Now I live in town, and the stores are very close. One is on my way home from work, and the other is in walking distance. So it's not a big deal if I need to run out for something – I can be there and back before the pasta pot boils.

But I think the main issue is the sad fact that even after all these years of maintaining my weight loss, I still think with my stomach. I confess, I'm a food hoarder. I stockpile food. I buy items on sale because I saw the ingredient once in a recipe I might want to try. I have no immediate plans to do so, and can't always find the recipe again, but still I buy the item. I live in terror that I won't have enough to eat, even though I have boxes on the counter tops because there is no room in the cabinets, and there's an avalanche in the freezer every time I open it. OK. I have a small kitchen, but that's no excuse. I have two freezers. There is no reason that they are both overflowing.

Yes, Pastor Steve, you pegged me. My #1 priority is eating.

I always knew I would never be 'cured' of my desire to overeat, and this is one more reminder. This particular habit, though, can be disastrous for my plans to stay slim forever. For one, by running to the store for ‘just one item’, it is very easy to say ‘just forget it’ and get some high-calorie, high-fat thing from the deli. It hasn't happened yet, but the temptation is always there. Back in my fat days, that was my typical response:. if I didn't have everything I needed for a recipe, I would switch the menu to pizza or my favorite nearby restaurant.

There's also the cost. The tightwad in me hates wasting money, especially on food that I will have to throw away when it reaches its expiration date or gets freezer burn. Also, all of those trips to the store add up, not only in the money I spend on food, but also the gas I use to get there.

I don't know why I have this fear of starvation. It's not like I grew up hungry. My family always had enough food in the house. More than enough, in fact. I was certainly never a skinny child. My mom tried to steer me toward healthy food choices, and always had salads, fruit, and the like around. But once I learned how to cook (by the time I was 10 or so), I was baking cakes, cookies, and other treats. I suppose I could explore this further. One of my friends even did a past life regression to determine why she had trouble losing weight. I always thought that would be interesting information, but not very useful. For me, the important thing is to get over it.

So, it's time to face my fear of going hungry. It's just not going to happen. My family could easily eat for a month just using what is currently in the house. Sure, it may not be what Junior has a taste for at the current moment, but we certainly would not go hungry. I don't need to spend my time and money buying food that we don't need right at the moment.

So, it's time to take an inventory of what is in my fridge, freezer and cabinets. I'll throw away anything that is expired, freezer burned, or otherwise not going to be eaten by anyone in the house except the mice. That still hurts, but why feed the mice?. They don't belong in the house anyway (where is that cat anyway?) Then I'll work on using up what is there.

Then, the plan is, BEFORE I go shopping, take an inventory of those things that we need frequently: fresh fruit and vegetables, bread, milk, eggs, etc. Those need to go on the list every week (or just about every week). Then work on the menus for the week. I'll still base them on what is on sale. But the difference is I'll look at the recipes first, and make sure I pick up any ingredient that I don't have.

The goal is to have only one shopping trip each week, where my list contains what we need, and I get only what is on the list.

How about you? Are you afraid of going hungry? Do you hoard food?

Skinny Witch and the Candy Demons

2010-03-11T17:09:00.000-08:00

I just received another reminder that people who are naturally thin really are different from the rest of us.

At work recently, someone had set out a bowl of M&Ms. A co-worker walked by, took a handful and said “These things just keep calling my name!”

At the time, I was working with a woman who is as thin today as she was when she started working with us – about ten years ago. She remarked “I swear, candy has not ever called my name.” She continued to say “If you don't want it, don't eat it!”

“Easy for you to say, you skinny witch,” I said to myself. “Obviously you have never had to work at keeping weight off.”

Once I got over my shock and envy, I started to realize that this is yet another way that I'm different from 'normal' people. People who eat normally aren't attracted by sweets the same way I am. They can turn off the “I want it” switch when they've had just a little bit of a treat. They don't continue to crave it. They don't feel the need to eat it until it's gone. For me, just knowing that there is a little left in the candy dish is enough to keep me obsessed until it's gone.

The candy-demons don't speak to her. They only speak to me, and to other people like me. While I was losing weight, I was able to ignore those candy-demons. If I want to continue living as a thin person, I need to find a way to exorcise those candy-demons forever.

One thing I've done is to stop contributing to the community candy dishes at work (there are more than one). If I don't bring the treats periodically, then I'm not entitled to eat them. Our office isn't nearly that formal, and it probably wouldn't be noticed if I did take some, but I feel that if I eat them, I should contribute.

Another thing I've done is to borrow a page from the 12-step playbook. If you're familiar with any of the 12-step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, etc, you'll recognize that they focus their energy on TODAY. The idea is that looking at 'forever' is pretty overwhelming, but just for today I can keep my hands out of the candy dish. Just for today, I can tell the candy-demons to stop calling my name.

So, candy-demon, stop by tomorrow and we'll chat again. But for today, shut up and crawl back into the candy dish. Today, I'm not eating any M&Ms. Today, I like being the skinny witch.

Getting hurt

2010-02-27T14:10:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I had a minor injury. I was at a meeting for work, in a very nice boardroom. I was late, and started to get into the last seat available. It was one of those cushy chairs that recline when you lean back. The first time I leaned back, the chair reclined a whole lot more than I was expecting. Rather than fall backwards on my head (and give the room a bit of a show), I jerked back. After an hour or so, I started to feel a twinge in my back - just to the right of my spine. By the time I got home, I was in serious pain. I couldn't sleep, because every time I moved, it hurt. I could sit in a chair, as long as I didn't move very much. When it didn't get better, I went to the doctor, who suspected a cracked rib. As it turns out, nothing was cracked, broken, or otherwise out of place. It was a bruise in the bursa - the lining of the rib cage. I got some pain-killing patches. They worked really well - you just stick them where it hurts and leave them on for 12 hours and they go to work. I didn't notice anything at first, but the first night I used one was the first night I was able to sleep. After a week or so, I was back to normal.

What amazed me during this ordeal was that my clothes felt tight. I didn't think my ribcage was swollen, but it must have been. Even shirts that are loose on me felt snug. I wasn't eating much, because it was too hard to cook. But when I got on the scale, I was up a couple of pounds.

I've always known that when you start a new workout to expect a lot of water retention, and most likely a slight gain. It goes down when your body gets used to it. But I never expected that a rib cage injury would have the same effect.

I'm happy to say that now I'm fully recovered. My clothes feel normal again, my weight is back down, and I don't hurt anymore. I sure hope I don't have an injury like that again. But if I do, I'll know what to expect.

Eating Out

2010-02-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

I don’t eat in restaurants very often anymore. In my ‘past life’, my family used to go out to eat a minimum of twice a week. That slowed considerably when I joined Weight Watchers. Then it stopped altogether when my husband was laid off. Even though he has since found a new job, we never got back in the habit of going out to eat.
So now, when I do go to a restaurant, it throws me into a state of mild confusion. With enough warning, I can go to the restaurant’s web site and browse their menu, check out their nutritional information, and make an informed choice.

Other times, I am caught completely off guard. Last weekend was one such occasion. I was attending a weekend Tai Chi workshop. I made the mistake of not eating much for breakfast on Saturday morning. The workshop started at 10:00 am. I ate a very light breakfast, with the intention of eating more before the workshop started. Well, I started to run behind schedule, and ran out of time. Then I had a two-hour long workout. Don’t let the pictures of gentle motion fool you – Tai Chi Chuan is a workout. So by the time we broke for lunch I was starving. My stomach was growling, I was getting a headache, and was on the verge of getting really crabby.

As a group, we went to this fabulous Chinese restaurant. They had an incredible variety of selections. They even had a lunch menu. “I’m in luck,” I said to myself, and ordered a lunch-sized chicken and vegetable dish. It came with egg drop soup (a good choice). So far, so good. It included fried rice and a choice of egg roll or egg foo young. I selected egg foo young – the better choice. Then it came. First of all the portion was huge. I wonder what the dinner size meal looks like. The worst part was that everything was smothered in gravy! Call me naive, but I never saw that coming. By now it was too late to request any substitutions.

Also, by this time I was so hungry I would have eaten the table. I tried to keep my wits about me. I did my best to pick around the gravy. I focused on the entrée, and had less than half of the other items. Nevertheless, by the end of the meal, I was beyond full. I felt stuffed for the rest of the day, even after the afternoon Tai Chi session, which was every bit as strenuous as the first.

The next morning I got on the scale as was stunned to see that I had gained five pounds! No one can eat enough to gain five pounds in one day, can they? I knew it was partly overeating, partly excess water from the workouts combined with the sodium and whatever from that huge lunch.

Sunday went much better for me. I made a point of eating a very good breakfast, so by lunchtime I was mildly hungry, but not ravenous. Then we stopped at a place where I could have soup and a salad. I had tomato soup, and requested light salad dressing on the side.

On Monday, the scale still read ‘plus five pounds.’ I can’t say I was surprised, but I was disappointed. So, to recover, I focused on eating smaller portions and drinking lots of water. Even so, it took all week to lose those five pounds.

Later, I remembered something one of my friends used to do. Whenever she went out to eat, she requested her doggie bag as soon as the meal came. Then, before eating one bite, she packed up half of her meal. That was her lunch the next day. Why didn't I think of that BEFORE I made myself miserable?

I think that’s a good plan for every restaurant meal. I can’t wait to go out again to try it.

How Skinny People Eat

2010-01-25T10:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever watched a 'naturally thin' person eat? I went to a pot luck banquet over the weekend, and at the risk looking like a stalker, I tried to casually observe them. It was an education.

First of all, I've noticed that they tend to be very picky, even those who appear to be able to eat anything they want and still not gain weight. They are very particular about what they want. I tend to eat anything and everything that looks good, especially when it comes to desserts. These people decided the items they 'really' wanted, and that was all.

They also select very small portions, especially if there is more than one item they want. I noticed a couple of plates with what looked like a tablespoon of this or that. Their plates were also loaded with veggies. This was the first potluck I've ever been to where I wasn't the only one who brought a veggie tray.

The third thing I noticed was that when they were full, they stopped eating. They didn't go back for seconds or thirds because something looked, or tasted, particularly good. If their plate is still half-full of food, they still stop eating, and feel no guilt for throwing the rest away. I even heard one thin man say "Oh I never saw that. Now I'm too full to eat it." And he didn't. I would have eaten it anyway.

Clearly I can learn a thing or two from watching thin people eat. First of all, they are not thin because they have been endowed with some special gift that I missed out on. While genetics play a role, they are thin mainly because they have good habits. They eat when they're hungry, eat what they like in reasonable portions, and most importantly, stop when they're full. These sound like the things I've heard you should do to lose weight. Hmmm....it looks like they work.

My Favorite Obsession

2010-01-11T18:00:00.000-08:00

For the longest time, the most important thing in my life was my next meal. As soon as a meal (or snack) was finished, I would start to wonder what, and when, I would eat next. If I didn't have anything in mind, or all of the ingredients in the house for what I had a taste for, I would panic. Whenever I went someplace, my first thought was “I wonder what I can eat there.” It didn't matter if I was going to a friend's house to visit, a museum or a shopping mall, my question was the same. “What can I eat there?”

Back when I was first starting out on my own, there was a period when money was extremely tight, and the grocery budget frequently got shorted. I had a great figure, and to others it looked like I could eat anything I wanted. Of course, that was because I could only afford to eat one meal a day, and that was on a good day. I spent most of my time hungry. But my obsession with food was even worse. Especially as I got to the end of the paycheck, I would look at my dwindling supply and wonder if there would be enough for tomorrow. I would agree to go on a date with Jack the Ripper if dinner was included. Movie? Forget it. Movie and dinner? You bet, even if it was fast food. Dinner out, even with a jerk, meant that I could save my meager groceries for tomorrow. Fortunately, that period did not last long. But, it was years before I could eat macaroni and cheese again, and I still cannot bring myself to eat ramen noodles. But the preoccupation with my next meal didn't go away.

Even after my situation improved, and I no longer had to budget my groceries to the last penny, food continued to be the center of my existence. Actually, even before that time period, I lived to eat. While in high school, my mother frequently threatened to send me to Weight Watchers. I frequently wonder why she didn't. My weight went up and down throughout high school, college, and those disastrous first years on my own. I learned a lot about trusting people (or not), managing money, and how to eat cheap. Note: this is not necessarily the same as eating well, or even healthy. If I had to do it again, I would make much better choices. You can learn a lot in 25 years or so.

The one thing that never changed was my devotion to eating. Sure, you need to eat to survive. Food is fuel, after all. But in my mind, it morphed into so much more. It was, and always has been, the center of my life. I'd wake up in the morning and think about breakfast. If there was none, I would mourn it. Then my focus would turn to lunch, or a mid-morning snack. I would go through the entire day dreaming about what I was going to eat next. I'd hear people say “I forgot to eat this morning” and recommend therapy. I would certainly never skip a meal because I FORGOT about it. What kind of wacko would? The only time I ever skipped meals was either during a misguided diet attempt, or when I was out of food, and a day away from payday. I would never “forget” to eat.

The way out of this trap was, paradoxically, to think about food. The difference was that rather than obsess about what I would eat next, I actually planned what I would eat next. Planning. What a concept. Given the constraints of my eating program (that's points for me), I listed out what I would have for three meals and two snacks each day. Then I knew what I needed to pack for work or take out of the freezer for dinner. Now that I knew what my next meal would contain, I no longer needed to worry about it. Amazing how that works, isn't it? I still do this. Not only does it keep me from constantly focusing on food, it also takes a lot of the guesswork out of grocery shopping, as well.

If I know I'm going out to eat, I figure out what I'm going to order before I go there. The Internet is a wonderful place for looking up restaurants. Many restaurant web sites include nutritional information. There are also other sites out there that provide this information. If all else fails, I call the restaurant. I've also learned that many restaurants served broiled entrees and vegetables, even if they're not listed on the menu. If I walk into a restaurant knowing what I'm going to order, I'm not as tempted by what looks good on the menu, what smells good, or by what my companions order.

If I'm going to a friend's house for dinner, I behave like a good guest and bring something. That way, if there are not good choices for me, I know there will be something I can eat. If I'm going for a visit, I plan on arriving right after a meal. This helps all of us. My friends don't have to pay for an extra serving, and I can have my own planned meal.

That's not to say I never get caught off guard. Things happen. I forget to take dinner out of the freezer; or worse yet, I forget to take the lunch I so carefully packed. Sometimes a lunch or dinner invitation comes along unexpectedly. It's not the end of the world. I make the best choices out of what is available, and make the appropriate adjustments for the remainder of the day, and into the next.

The important thing for me is that I no longer obsess about food, at least not nearly as much as I used to. For me, I tend to get obsessed by things over which I have no control. By planning most meals and snacks planned in advance, I now have that control. What a relief. In fact, I've even caught myself 'forgetting' to eat a planned snack, or even breakfast on a weekend morning. Who'd ever think that could happen?

Happy New Year!

2010-01-02T08:20:00.000-08:00

The official damages - 6 pounds over two weeks. I've heard that the 'average' holiday weight gain is between 6 and 11 pounds, so I guess I did better than average. Not that I'm all that proud of myself.

It's important not to beat yourself up when you come out of a holiday season, especially if the 'feedback' isn't exactly what you had in mind. Let's look at the bright side. I had a very relaxing and fun two-week vacation, spent lots of time with friends and family. OK, so I also ate and drank too much, but I can fix that.

So, what's the fixit plan? I'll keep track of what I eat - and be honest about it. I'll schedule exercise for 4-5 days of the week. I already stocked up on good, healthy foods. I also got rid of all of the 'special' holiday treats. They went to the New Year's Eve party. (And people think I'm so generous - I'm just getting the stuff out of my house!)

How about you? What's your fixit plan?

Christmas Aftermath

2009-12-27T17:31:00.000-08:00

The house got cleaned; dinner is over; presents are opened, the dishes are washed. Now it's time to relax. After weeks of careful planning, I'm looking at how I did eating-wise over the Christmas holiday. Hmmm....not so well. I feel over-stuffed.

In Oprah's words 'How did I let this happen?'

I think it's because I'm not following my own advice. I planned on not making Christmas cookies, then I did. After all, Santa still stops at our house, and he needs cookies. The reindeer get carrots, but who wants to knosh on them? I planned on exercising every day during my vacation, then found other things took up my time. I found a recipe for a low-calorie fudge. It uses white chocolate chips and orange flavoring. It's really good, and only 1 point for a 1 inch square. Too bad I lost count.

So, here I am half-way through the holiday 'season', and already feeling like a fat failure. Now what do I do? I have a full week of vacation, and another holiday. I don't want to start the new year feeling like a stuffed turkey.

The fudge is gone. I think there are some more cookies, but I put them away. Then I went out for a nice long walk today. The high temperature was about 18 degrees, so it was a cold walk, but a walk nevertheless. I plan on doing the same tomorrow. I made very healthy meals yesterday and today. I plan on making the Weight Watcher's 'Garden Vegetable Soup' tomorrow. It's very good, and zero points. Don't forget the water. Lots of water. That should help me recover quickly.

I hate this feeling. Remind me again why it happens? Oh yeah - I have 'food issues'. And those issues didn't go away because I lost weight. I still need to work on them. I won't feel like I'm 'cured' until I can have a single piece of fudge, call it 'good', and not feel the need to have another piece, and another, and another....you get the picture. I don't know when that will happen, but I will keep trying.

Lies Labels Tell You

2009-12-16T18:30:00.001-08:00

Who knew that reading labels would be a part of a 'lifestyle change'? I read labels – a lot – while I was losing. I figured it was one of those things I could let go of after I 'finished' and was 'cured.' Silly me. I continue to read labels, partly out of habit, and partly out of necessity. How else can you tell what's in the food you're eating? Here's an example.

I recently made a package of Lasagna flavored Hamburger Helper. Please, stop the groans. It's fast, cheap, and doesn't taste that bad. But the label is a trip.

For example, the first thing you see is the Serving Size. ½ cup as packaged. As packaged? As if you would eat dried noodles and powdered sauce! The next line give you the serving size after you prepare it – 1 cup. If you ever measured 1 cup of Hamburger Helper Lasagna, you know that it is not nearly as much as you think. The servings per package is listed as five. Well, yes, you get five one cup servings. Will that really feed your family of five? Maybe if you add a salad and a vegetable. But if you have any teenagers, all bets are off. I think it's closer to four servings. Back when I was heavy, the box would feed two. The point is that all of the nutritional information that follows is based on a one cup serving. If you are going to have more than that, you need to make adjustments.

The next thing that is listed is the calories per serving. There are two columns. The first lists the calories 'as packaged' - 120. Again, who is going to eat dry noodles? Next are the calories 'Prepared' – 280. Now that is telling you something. Two hundred eight calories is not that bad for a main course. Right below that is the calories from fat. The number 'as packaged' is five; 'prepared' is 100. Wait a minute. Guidelines say that fat should be no more than 30% of your daily calories. This is 35.71%. That's a little high, but not outrageous, especially if you are keeping the fat down in your other meals for the day.

The next section gives the percentage of daily values. But wait, there's a double asterisk. It says that the percentages are based on a 2000 calorie diet. That's a fine number, but is it accurate? I don't know, but it is a 'standard' number that you hear frequently. Since I follow the Weight Watcher's program, I don't count calories, but my daily number is probably close to that.

Then you get another fat number. The Total Fat is given as .5g. That sounds great, doesn't it? But wait, there's another asterisk. This footnote says 'Amount as packaged. As prepared, one serving provides 11 g total fat (4 g saturated fat, 0.5g trans fat), 55 mg cholesterol, 860 mg sodium, 370 mg potassium, 27 g total carbohydrate, (7g sugars) and 19g protein. Unless you are paying attention, you would completely miss the fact that the fat grams are given for the uncooked version. Again, who cares how many fat grams are there before you cook it? This in Hamburger Helper. You are going to add hamburger.

My first question is “what kind of ground beef are you using?” There are at least four grades at my local grocery store. You can get the 'regular' ground beef, which is typically 75% lean; ground round, typically 80% lean; ground chuck, typically 85% lean, or the heart healthy extra lean (and extra pricey) at 93% lean. Or, what if you use ground turkey or chicken? Don't get me started on the range of fat in those items. Even though the instructions say to drain the meat after you've browned it, I suspect the type of meat you use has a big impact on the fat and protein grams. I'm no scientist, so I have no way of knowing how to adjust the fat grams for the type of ground beef or turkey I'm using today (it depends upon what is on sale). So, I assume that they base their calculations on the 'regular' ground beef. So if I use a leaner variety, it's a bonus for me.

Cholesterol is another concern. The label says that the package contains 0 cholesterol, but if you want to eat it cooked, you have 55 mg. The daily recommendation is less than 300mg. So this meal contains 18% of the recommended total. I'd say we're OK here, even if you use the 'regular' ground beef. Of course if you use lean ground beef, you're in even better shape.

Another key number is the sodium. Salt can cause people big problems, especially if you retain water easily or have high blood pressure. My doctor once told me that the salt shaker on your table is not nearly as big a problem as the salt that is in prepared foods. In this case, there are 800 mg of sodium. This is one number that does not change between the 'Packaged' and 'Prepared' columns. Further down the label, there is a section where they list recommended values of various nutrients. For sodium, the recommendation is 'Less than 2400mg.' That means a serving of Lasagna contains 33.33% of your recommended sodium intake. As long as you have comparable amounts for your other meals of the day, you're OK. Otherwise, this meal could take you over.

So, is this a good choice or not? Well, for me it isn't the worst thing I could eat. I don't eat many prepared foods, so my sodium level won't go overboard. I always use lean ground beef (the leaner the better), so I'll be OK on the fat level also. My concern is that the serving size is never enough. So at our house we add some vegetables – peas, mushrooms, whatever we have on hand. It helps to take away the 'packaged' flavor, and gets your five servings are more than 1 cup each. Even better.

Consciousness

2009-12-06T17:33:00.001-08:00

One of the things I did a lot when I was heavy was what I've heard called 'unconscious eating.' The common scenario was I would open a new bag of potato chips or cookies and sit down in front of the TV, read the paper or open a book. Before I knew it, the bag would be empty, and I had no idea where the food went. I didn't feel full. I didn't even realize I had eaten so much. I admit, I still do this from time to time, although not nearly as often. Also, if I do fall into this 'unconsciousness trap', it's with a bag of low-fat popcorn rather than potato chips.

One of the first 'hints' I remember learning was that when you snack, you should put a portion on a plate, and sit at the table and eat it. That way you are giving the food your full attention. When I do that, I find that I am satisfied with that one portion. It's funny how that works. I'm not sure how it works, but it does. I don't know if it's because I don't want to be away from whatever I was doing – the TV, newspaper, or whatever. I've heard that 'you eat with your eyes.' It's an interesting image, but maybe it's the matter of looking at what you're eating that makes you feel more satisfied. Notice that I'm not saying 'full'. If I eat the whole bag of chips, I'm full, but may not be satisfied. But by sitting down and actually looking at what I'm doing makes me feel OK with the smaller amount. If I'm looking at the television or reading, I'm barely aware of my hand going into my mouth. I'm certainly not watching what I'm doing. I can tell that by the pile of crumbs I leave behind. I'm also less likely to get indigestion by sitting at the table with a pre-determined portion. Besides the smaller amount, I'm also eating slower. Much slower. Hmm sounds like a plan.

So, even on family movie night, I break out my own bowl for popcorn. Even though I 'could' eat the whole bag, because I get the 94% fat free variety, this way I find that I'm not as likely to unconsciously stick my hand into the bag. I'm also more likely to pay attention and be mindful of what I am putting into my mouth.

Meals are another occasion that used to call for unconscious eating. My family used to bring our plates into the living room and sit in front of the TV. Besides the mess I usually make, this habit also makes it easy to eat unconsciously. Just like with the chips, my eyes and attention are focused on the television instead of my plate. And before I know it, my plate is empty, and I barely remember eating anything. So we have returned to eating at the table. We have an eat-in kitchen as well as a dining room, so we have a choice. The choice is usually determined by which table is the least cluttered, but it's still a choice. The dining room table doubles as our son's homework desk, so it usually occupied with books, notebooks, pens, etc. So we tend to eat most meals in the kitchen. I don't put bowls of food on the table – it's too small. We have dinner 'buffet style,' filling our plates and then sitting down at the table. This helps me, because I portion out what I'm having, then walk away. Even though it's only a couple of steps to the stove, I really have to think about whether to get up and get some more. Believe it or not, I still measure out many foods (OK, anything except veggies). I learned that it is very easy to go overboard when I'm 'eyeballing' what I think is a 'reasonable' portion size. And before I know it, I will fall into the trap of 'more is better.' Packages that say they serve four will start serving two. A box of cookies becomes a single serving. You get the picture, because you most likely did the same thing.

How about you? Are you more conscious about what you're eating? How do you do it? Let me know.

Thanksgiving Aftermath

2009-12-06T17:32:00.000-08:00

Last week was Thanksgiving. After all this time I'm still learning about losing weight and keeping it off. One would think I'd have it all figured out by now, but I still keep learning. I did the cooking this year, but it was a small crowd – just my family and one friend, for a total of 5 people. I have a list of recommendations to keep from getting stuffed at Thanksgiving:

I prepared a turkey breast rather than a whole turkey. Since there was not going to be many people, it didn't make sense to have that many leftovers.

I made Weight Watcher's friendly recipes for most dishes.
I decided whether to have stuffing OR potatoes – not both (I chose the stuffing)
I had reasonable amounts of the other traditional foods.
I had a light breakfast,
I wore fitted clothing,
I limited my alcohol intake.
I increased my exercise during the week.
I “saved up” for the pie.
I made a “day after” plan of eating light and exercising (not to mention shopping).

Even after doing everything “right,” I still ended up the meal feeling stuffed. Then, the next day I was still stuffed! Some people call that a food hangover. Whatever it is, it makes me feel pretty miserable. I also discovered that I was craving food – lots of food. Despite my attempts to eat reasonably, I never felt satisfied, even thought I was eating my “normal” portions, and should have been physically full. I'm not even sure what I was craving. Was it the sugar from the apple pie? Or was it the cheese and crackers? I certainly wasn't craving carrots from the veggie tray. Maybe it was just an overload on all of the above, and my body went nuts. I managed to keep my sanity by drinking lots of water, and doing a lot of walking.

I have a similar experience whenever I eat a donut in the morning. I learned a long time ago that a donut in the morning is the worst thing I can do. I get the sugar-buzz, then the sugar-crash. Then I crave sweets for the rest of the day. No matter what I eat, I still want sweets.

Maybe something similar is happening with Thanksgiving. I made a cranberry jello salad that contained sugar (it didn't occur to me to use a substitute). I also had one of those yummy Hawaiian sweet rolls. Don't forget the pie. I took extra pains so I would have enough points available for pie. Maybe those things by themselves would have been bad enough, but I also had stuffing, bread crumbs on the green bean casserole (a Weight Watcher's recipe), not to mention cheese and crackers. It may not sound like a ton of carbs, but it is a lot more than I usually eat. Maybe it was a carb-overload that gave me those cravings. Remember, sugar is 100% carbohydrate.

So, big involved meals with a lot of carb-laden courses are apparently just as bad for me. With more holidays coming up, this is a good thing to know. My preferred solution to situations that create massive cravings is to avoid the situation altogether. Planning the menu for a big meal, it appears, is not enough. I also have to look at the much-larger picture, that includes the days leading up to and the days following the big event. I think for the next “big one”, which I expect to be Christmas Eve, I'll still do the other preparations, but also plan detailed menus for the day before and the two days following. It will need to be even more balanced that usual, making sure I get enough fruits and vegetables, but taking it very easy on the breads, grains, and other carbs, along with lean protein. For the big meal, I'll pay attention to the sugar content of the dishes I prepare.

How about you? How do you feel the day after a big meal like Thanksgiving?

What do I eat now?

2009-11-23T08:30:00.000-08:00

Now that I've reached my goal, what should I eat? Well, guess what? If I return to eating the crap I ate before I lost weight, I'm guaranteed to return to the same size, or bigger. My old menus are what got me into this mess, so let's not go back there. It's time to talk about the dreaded “lifestyle change”.

I admit, everytime I heard “you have to change your lifestyle,” I wanted to hurl. There's nothing wrong with my lifestyle, I'm just a few pounds overweight, that's all. A few being only 50 pounds, with the accompanying high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc., that's all. As the weight came off, I began to see how much nutrition affected me, in both good and bad ways. Under the Weight Watchers program, your food intake is adjusted as you lose weight. This is good in that it keeps your loss at a steady, not-too-fast rate. So my 'lifestyle change' was gradual and almost imperceptible.

Back when I was eating everything in sight, the day-to-day variations didn't have much impact on me, my health, or how I felt in general. You don't feel your blood pressure rising, after all. It didn't matter much if I had steak for dinner one night, and popcorn the next. There was so much of everything. But, as my daily points went lower and lower, I started to notice that what I ate had a huge impact on how I felt. For example, about the time I reached my goal and for several months afterwards, I felt lousy. I had absolutely no energy. It was all I could do to get through the day and then collapse into bed immediately after my son went to sleep. At first I attributed it to a demanding job, long commute, busy job and a toddler who still wasn't sleeping through the night. But after awhile, it occurred to me – I had just lost 50 pounds. I should be bursting with energy! So why do I feel so bad? I saw the Dr. and got tested for a bunch of stuff. That wasn't it. I tried drinking more water. That wasn't it. I even took iron supplements. That didn't work. Finally, I started examining what I was eating. I was certainly getting in my vegetables. I discovered that, overall, my meals were pretty heavy on the carbohydrates. Meals were either meatless or contained chicken, fish or turkey. All of these are fine sources of protein, but they don't carry the punch you find in beef. I didn't have anything against beef, it's just that chicken, fish and turkey have a lower fat content. I started making a point to boost my protein by having beef once or twice a week, and adjusted for the calories by cutting out some carbs. I couldn't believe the difference. Seemingly overnight, I wasn't constantly tired anymore. Problem solved. Maybe those Low-Carb proponents have something there.

In general, I'm a big fan of whole, real foods. Why eat fake vegetarian cheese when you can have the real thing (I do live in Wisconsin, after all)? Why drink apple juice when you can have a whole apple? I use simple cuts of meat, vegetables and whole grains. Is that different from my 'fat' days? You bet. Back then I ate a lot processed foods. I thought it saved time. It certainly doesn't save any money. But, I've learned that you can bake a chicken breast coated with seasoned bread crumbs and nuke a baked potato in the same amount of time it takes to bake a frozen entree. It's much cheaper, lower in calories, and the difference in taste is about as striking as the sodium comparison.

That doesn't mean I NEVER eat prepared foods. I just don't eat them a lot, and I'm careful in what I choose. I especially like convenience packages of potatoes, rice or veggies; especially those steam-in-the-bag vegetables. For me, a weeknight meal has to be ready in 20 minutes or less, or I'll start eating the plates. Frozen potato wedges in the oven can be done in about 20 minutes. For me, it would take about that long to cut them. Brown rice takes about 40 minutes to cook on the stove or in the rice cooker, or 4 minutes in the microwave from a freezer package, or 45 seconds from some packages. Hmmm, which should I choose? If I have time I do it the 'old fashioned way', otherwise, I keep the packages on hand.

How about you? How does your daily diet today differ from your 'before' life? Let me know.

Stress - Then and Now

2009-11-14T20:21:00.000-08:00

So I'm trying to find ways to deal with my stress. In my typical project-manager-problem-solver role, I decided to approach it like I would any other problem. First, identify the issues, then decide the best approach to resolved them. I know the problem – stress. It's all around me. I spend my work days with endless meetings, ever-shorter deadlines, constant problems to resolve, and a line of people outside of my office with questions. Then I go home to an endless list of household chores, yardwork, homework, books to read, and other projects lying around half-finished. On a really good day, I get a phone call or email from a friend who is in her own crisis. I feel like it never ends. I don't even want to take a vacation, because knowing that I will come back to twice as much shit as I left means I won't be able to relax. So how do I solve this?

I started by looking back to I handled stressful situations when I was losing weight. I don't remember chowing on chocolate on stressful days back then. Taking off the rose-colored glasses and looking back to the way things really were, I realized that part of the reason is that my life was very different, and didn't have the same kind of stress that I'm living with now. In fact, there's no comparison. Back then, my job was very different. I was working on a project that I enjoyed. I had responsibilities and deadlines, but no trouble meeting them. Now things are different. Even though I'm at the same place, I've since received a promotion, along with the additional responsibilities and expectations. I don't always enjoy what I'm doing, and frequently feel overwhelmed. Also, back then I was just learning T'ai Chi Ch'uan,. It was fun and relaxing, so I was practicing it several times a day, including in the ladies room at work. Now I've been practicing T'ai Chi Ch'uan for several years. It's still fun and relaxing, but it no longer has that spark of newness. Now that I know it much better, I no longer feel the need to practice in the ladies room. My son was much younger then, too, so I was dealing with naps, tantrums and potty training, not homework, attitude, and grade-school drama. In addition, my husband was going to school and being a house-husband. While not ideal, our financial situation was stable, so there wasn't any unusual financial stress. But more importantly, he was taking care of the bulk of the housework and other household projects. Now, we're back to being a two-income family. There's more money, but less time for both of us.

So now I'm in a different world. Life changes, so whatever worked for me when I was losing weight may or may not be so helpful in keeping it off. Different times call for different strategies. So, what strategy will work for my new, higher-stress life? I'll let you know when I figure it out.

How about you? Has your stress level changed since you lost weight? Has that affected your ability to keep it off?

Why did I do that?

2009-11-11T16:59:00.001-08:00

In case I was wondering why I don't keep certain foods in the house, this weekend I had a waist-expanding reminder. I bought a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream on Saturday. It was on sale, and had a rebate, so it was a good deal. I don't normally keep it in the house, because it is hideously expensive, and full of calories. But, I figured in moderation it would be OK. I could have a small glass after dinner, and it should last for a long time. So Saturday night I brought out a small glass, put in a few ice cubes, and had some. That thick, rich, creamy taste was every bit as good as I remembered, just like ice cream. It was so good it tasted like another. And another. Then Sunday night I did the same thing. By the time I went to bed Sunday I was a bit light-headed and the bottle was gone. My husband was not happy that he did not get any. Then Monday morning, I had that too-familiar-but-not-very-pleasant feeling that I ate too much. Not to mention a slight hangover, and did I mention lactose intolerance?

What the hell? I reached my goal seven years ago. I shouldn't be having these colossal failures at this point! I'm not an alcoholic, so why can't I stop at one glass of Irish Cream, one ice cream cone, or one cookie? I don't know. But I do know that if I get started on any of these, I won't stop until it's gone. Somehow, I never overindulge on cauliflower. And I have no trouble eating only one serving of most entree's. But give me something sugar- and fat-laden and it's all over.

Alas, this is another place where diets fail us. They have this idea that once you reach your goal weight, you're cured, and will never have the urge to overindulge in anything ever again. Well, guess what? That's WRONG. I feel that I live my life just one bite away from my next binge. Do any diet books talk about this? I haven't seen it. In fact, I just read one that had the audacity to claim that keeping weight off is easy! Obviously this was written by someone who has never been overweight. Obviously, figuring out why I still have the need to eat until my stomach hurts and then doing something about it is much more difficult than saying “you're fixed!”

So, why is it that one is never enough? It's probably related to some deep-seated childhood trauma. Maybe not. I don't have the time or resources to spend that much time or money in therapy. When I was a kid, we used to have sweets in the house. My mom always had cake and/or cookies around, mainly to pack in lunches. But then, I would get in trouble for eating them. Partly because my mom wanted them for lunches, but she also was concerned about my weight.

You know, you always want what you can't have. So I sneaked the treats whenever I could. When I moved out on my own, I would get treats, just because mom wasn't there to give me the evil eye. Of course, I noticed my weight creeping up, so then came the diets. You know those diets. They have a list of 'red light foods' that you should banish from your life forever. That works for a while, actually it worked for a long time, but forever is a long time. What this has done is to create a free-for-all whenever I get unfettered access to one of my favorite 'forbidden fruits'.

When I was in high school, many students got jobs at the local mall. One of the shops was a chain chocolatier. Rumor had it that you could eat all of the chocolate you wanted when you worked there. Wow. That's the job for me, I thought. I think their logic was that by the end of your first week you would be so sick of chocolate you would never eat it any more. But they also took away that whole 'forbidden fruit' concept. By telling people “no you can't” you create a situation where people will snitch chocolate when they think no one is looking. Even though I thought it might 'cure' me, I never applied at the chocolate counter. I was afraid that, given that much freedom, I would eat enough to really pack on the pounds.

I remember a Weight Watchers leader talk about how she made peace with Snickers bars. She said they were her number 1 'red light' food. Once she started she could never stop. So she decided it was time to end this. One night, when everyone else was in bed, she turned off the TV and opened a brand new bag of those small Snickers bars – I don't remember if she used the fun size or minis. Then she slowly unwrapped each one, and savored, really savored each bite. That means she didn't swallow them whole, didn't chomp them while running errands or watching TV. She let the chocolate slowly melt on her tongue, and let the caramel roll around in her mouth, and felt the nuts crunch under her teeth. Then she sat and reveled in the feeling. Then she slowly unwrapped the next bar and started over again. By the end of the bag, she said she was 'cured.' Snickers are now one of those things she can take or leave.

I should try that. But I'm still a fraidy-cat-coward. I think at the moment I'll leave the Bailey's, and cookies, and candy bars in the store. When I'm feeling a little stronger, I'll try again.

How about you? How do you handle treats? Have you tried the 'Make peace with chocolate' approach? How did it go? Should I try it?

Memory - Remembering the Bad Times

2009-11-08T16:59:00.000-08:00

Even though it's been a seven years since I reached my goal weight, I can clearly remember the feeling of having to struggle to put on queen-sized pantyhose. I remember walking from the parking lot to my office with my inhaler in hand, knowing I would need to use it. I used to ride the elevator for one flight of stairs, because it was just too hard to walk. All of my clothing was knit with elastic waist bands, because it was the most comfortable. My clothing was shapeless, and selected because it did not cling to any body part. Most of it was black or navy – those 'flattering' colors for heavy people.

Soon after I reached my goal, I would have dreams where I would wake up at my original weight. It does reappear overnight, doesn't it? I live in terror that I will wake up one morning and find the scale tipping 200 pounds again. I think about that when I look at a plate of donuts. Somehow, that makes it easier to walk away.

How about you? What are some of those 'bad memories' that keep you motivated to never go back?

Motivation, part 2 - Why did I lose weight in the first place

2009-11-01T10:52:00.000-08:00

Some people decide to lose weight because of high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, hip, knee or other joint problems. Some are motivated because they do not want their children to grow up with the same bad habits and food issues they have. Others want to be able to play with their kids, or be able to walk up a flight of stairs without having to stop and take a break.

My motivation was my health. I had been getting sick frequently, and my asthma was out of control. My son was turning 2, and we had some friends over to celebrate. Instead of actually 'entertaining' my guests, all I could do was sit on the couch and watch. A few days later, still having trouble breathing, I started having chest pains. In the emergency room, I couldn’t help but notice the look on the nurse's face when I took off my shirt for the EKG. She was trying to be stoic, but I could see the disgust on her face. I felt the disgust too, as she manipulated my rolls to stick the contacts on my skin.

As it turned out, my heart was fine, but my blood pressure was high, and my asthma was out of control. So the ER doctor gave me cortisone for my asthma and sent me home. The next day, my family doctor changed my asthma medication, and it improved greatly. But even though I was breathing better, I still felt lousy. That began my discontent. Eventually, I started to realize that I had to do something, or I wouldn't be around to see many more birthdays – not mine, and not my son's.

How about you? What motivated you to lose weight? Tell me about it.

Motivation - Preventing Boredom

2009-10-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

Now that some time has passed since I've reached my weight goal (seven years to be exact), I'm finding that it's getting harder and harder to stay motivated. I've already received all of the compliments I can stand. I wore a fabulous new dress to the last wedding I attended (last two weddings, actually). In fact, I now know many people who never knew me in my 'past life.' I learned so many good habits while I was losing weight, but it's getting harder and harder to keep them. People bring treats to work and say 'you're so skinny, of course you can have a donut/cookie/piece-of-cake-or-other-decadent-dessert.' I have a bad day at work and want to tear into a bag of M&Ms. It used to be so easy to walk away. But each day it gets harder and harder.

I've been looking for ways to stay motivated to maintain my new, healthy lifestyle for those times when I start to feel like returning to my 'old' eating habits.

One thing I've been doing is keeping variety in my life, starting with my menus. I've been making Weight Watcher's approved recipes for so long that I have the points values memorized. I can make the dishes I remember tasting good from my 'Losing Days', and keep making them over and over – and over and over. Soon I'm terribly bored, and want to go to a fast food joint just for something different. Why is it that we never get bored with pizza, or triple-decker slabs of meat dripping with cheese?

To prevent that, I stay on the lookout for new ways to think outside the recipe box. I constantly look through cookbooks and magazines to find new recipes and foods. I mark each recipe I try, and indicate whether it was good, merely OK, or not worth trying again. I also make notes about any modifications I made. I almost always change something in a recipe – adding or subtracting ingredients, baking instead of frying, or using cooking spray instead of oil. I don't stick to just lo-cal/lo-fat cookbooks and magazines, either. I have found some very good recipes in 'regular' cookbooks that are also low in fat and calories – a bonus! I have also found that I can cut the calories in just about any recipe by making a few changes.

I like to cook, and love kitchen gadgets. I watch cooking shows whenever I can. I cringe when I see a whole stick of butter hitting the frypan, but I can usually find something in the show that I'm willing to try – either a new food, new cooking technique, or a new gadget.

I also keep an eye open for new fashion trends. I'm far from a fashionista, but I do like trying new styles to see what will work with my figure. Sometimes, I'm surprised – in both good and bad ways. But you'll never know if you don't try. There are some styles that I never dreamed would be flattering on me – but now that I'm several sizes smaller, I've been pleasantly surprised on more than one occasion. Or not. I remember a Weight Watchers leader telling the group that after reaching her goal, she decided she would try on her daughter's bikini. She said they all learned that some bodies are just not meant to wear two-piece bathing suits. They all had a good laugh, and she returned the bikini to her daughter. I admit, I did the same thing – and she's right. Some bodies that are just not flattered by a skimpy two-piece bathing suit, mine included.

Hair style is another way I keep from getting bored. You can always tell when I'm feeling frumpy, because I'll show up with a completely new hair style. My husband doesn't always agree with my choices, but I like the variety.

How about you? How do you keep from variety in your life? Tell me about it.

Maintenance - where diets let us down

2009-10-20T17:23:00.000-07:00

I'm convinced that the “dieting industry” has no interest in people keeping off the weight they've lost. Think about it. They make their money off of overweight people, so why would they want to see them succeed permanently?

After all, if you're selling any product, what's better than a repeat customer? From a business perspective, you need people who need to lose weight. If people no longer need to lose weight, they no longer need your diet program, do they? By the way, I have no empirical data to support my claim, this is just my version of logic and reasoning.

Of course, losing weight is 'simple,' empirically speaking. It's just a matter of taking in less than you burn. It really is that basic. That's the foundation of most diet programs. You follow this set of steps contained in your selected dieting program, and poof! You can find success in losing. I've heard from many sources that any 'diet' will work, assuming you follow it. They vary in their combination of nutrients, and may or may not be nutritionally sound, but basically you lose weight whenever you burn more calories than you consume. That makes it pretty easy to put together a diet program, and selling it as the “next great way to lose weight forever.” However, there are a couple of problems with this approach. For one, even though the concept behind weight loss may be 'simple,' as we all know, it is far from easy. Secondly, these programs seem to get hung up on the “forever” part. They treat it as an afterthought.

Maybe that's why most diets include very little information about maintenance. You might find a couple of paragraphs or maybe even a chapter in a 250 page book. In many programs, the instructions consist of “return to eating normally, and if you find yourself gaining weight, go back on our diet.” That doesn't sound like much of a solution to me. If I ever ate “normally,” I wouldn't have needed the diet in the first place! Other programs tell you that you are making a 'lifestyle change.' That's fine, but it doesn't define what to do next. Besides, eating less than 1000 calories a day is not a 'lifestyle' – it's a diet.

Weight Watchers is probably the best at preparing you for life after dieting. They have a six week maintenance program where you determine your eating level needed to maintain your weight. That's a good start. Then you are expected to stop by at a meeting at least once a month. Of course you're welcome every week if you want to attend meetings. Even though six weeks is a relatively short period compared to the rest of your life, at least they recognize this is a long-term project. Sometimes they sugar-coat the difficulties you will face, but at least they warn you. But enough of the WW plug.

As we all have learned, keeping weight off at least, if not more difficult than losing it. I think that part of the reason is the time frame. It may take weeks, months or even years to lose weight, but once it’s off, you'll be working for the rest of your life to keep it off. That's a bit tough to swallow for the “quick fix” crowd. So I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks. What good is it if I gain 30 pounds in the next 3? Can I continue with this 'lifestyle change' two years from now? Five years from now? Twenty? Another issue is that the weight loss happens in a specific point in time. What happens when your life changes? Will what worked to lose the weight work forever? Besides that, when I was losing, I had a goal. I could see the numbers on the scale move. There’s not much excitement in watching the number stay the same.

The first two years after I reached my goal weight were easy. Then, life started happening. There were weddings, funerals, a job promotion, a toddler then a preschooler. As my life changed, it started to affect my exercise, eating habits, and my choices in every area of my life, not just the kitchen.

These are the questions I'm kicking around. I don't have all of the answers yet (I don’t know that I have any answers yet), but I'm working on it. Stay tuned.

Welcome to Off4Ever!

2009-10-12T06:41:00.000-07:00

Congratulations! You worked hard at losing weight, and finally reached your goal. It doesn't matter if your goal was 5 pounds or 200, the question now is what do you do next? How do keep those pounds from creeping back on?

I am not a nutritionist, dietician, or any other type of medical professional. I’m just a ‘normal’ person who has struggled with obesity my entire life. Typically, the minute I reached my goal weight (or even came close) was the minute I started regaining. Most often, I gained back all of the weight and then some.

Then, in 2002, I joined Weight Watchers (for at least the fifth time, not to mention all of the other diet programs I tried). This time, I managed to finally get rid of 50 pounds (yay), and have been working ever since at keeping it off. I’ve been largely successful. Sure, I have my ups and downs, but have still kept 'almost' all of the weight off.

I do NOT want to return to my plus-size body. And I'm sure you don't either. But I have found that keeping it off is a lot harder than it looks. It's way too easy to fall back into my 'old' habits, and before long I know I'll be wearing my 'old' clothes. That's why I started this blog. No matter how you lost your weight, I expect that you're finding it just as challenging to keep it off forever.

On this blog, I will share what is working for me; and even things that don't work so well. I am also looking for the tips and tricks that have worked for you, and people just like you. So check back often, and add your comments. Who knows? Your comments may end up in a book on the subject.